Just Like Anyone

We are the stars of the firing line

2007-10-16T07:53:00.000-04:00

Way back when I first found the internet incarnation of autism related matters, one of the first blogs I found and read all the way through was leftbrain/rightbrain.

Well.

To say I'm angry on Kevin and Megan's behalf is an understatement. I'm angry and, to a degree, I'm frightened.

No clue what else there is to say, really.

Title source

I blow the dust off my guitars

2007-07-25T07:26:00.002-04:00

There is no one reading this and I never post, and that's fine. Right?

Anyway.

You've probably mostly seen this by now. But.

"Ryan's not going to know why he can't go back there, and that's sad, because he loved to go there," his father said.

Yes. He is going to know why he can't go back there. Maybe not right now, but he is going to know. The only real question is whether he's going to parse that reason as 'Because I'm a fuckup' or as 'Because that dude's an asshole'.

And I have my personal bet out for that one, as well.

Not that I'd have reason to know or to feel way too effected by this one.

Title: Smashing Pumpkins - Eye Of the Mourning

Black and White are all I see, in my infancy

2007-06-06T11:21:00.000-04:00

I dislike 'neurotypical' as an opposite for 'autistic'.

I don't dislike the word, though, I dislike that particular sloppy usage. Too narrow/broad, really. It's not like there's 'autistic' and then there's 'normal' any more than there's 'straight' and then there's 'gay'. Except even more, because there are a lot of spectra* involved in the idea of not being 'typical'. My OCD friends aren't typical, my ADHD brother isn't typical, someone with brain damage isn't typical, but they aren't autistic, either.

(Okay, the middle listed one may be slightly BAPpy. Work with me, here.)

I think it's a useful category, certainly, but I think it's used far too narrowly. Which, actually, also spreads to some of my issues with a lot of the autistic movement, especially from the Aspie side of the equation. Too narrow.

I've seen people say things like 'I'm autistic, not mentally ill.' and always want to ask them 'Do you want a prize?' I'm both, and more. What's your point? Is that supposed to make me worth less than you?

I thought that was pretty much what I'd signed up over here to fight?

Any revolution which is supposed to be fighting for the rights of just-us-people isn't exactly one I want to be standing in. I'm not comfortable throwing non-transitioning trans* folk, or the genderqueer, or even the long-suffering crossdressers off the boat, either, for the record, since it's been too long since I drew in my other little revolution.

There's a wide spread between cis* and trans*, and a lot of ways to not fall in the first category. There's a long spread between autistic and NT, and a lot of ways to not fall in the second category. And I prefer to try to find ways to show and appreciate and, yes, celebrate that immense diversity, than to attempt to compress it into a black-to-white spectrum.

So I don't like NT-vs.-Autistic.

Title from: Tool - Lateralus

*Until literally five minutes ago, if you asked me about this word, I would have told you the plural of 'spectrum' was 'spectrums'. Thank you, Firefox spellcheck and google!

I'm tired of giving a reason...

2007-05-24T04:56:00.001-04:00

Why was I born autistic?

Because I was.

Why am I trans*?

Because I am.

I'm seeing the former running around, of late and, really, why DO I need to give a reason. I was not born to teach you any lessons. Sorry. I'm not around to let anyone hold to humility, I am not here for you. I'm not an inspiration, I'm not your demon, I'm me in all my lovely fuckedness.

Really, though, what's the undertone of that question? 'All things have a reason, and I can't see this having any virtue in and of itself, so the reason must be something secret and occult, something I have to prise out from the world.'

No.

I refuse to think like that.

Some things are their own reason. I am my own reason.

Why was I born autistic?

Someone's gotta be.

Why was I?

Because my dad's pretty aspie, my grandpa was pretty Aspie, and there are any number of people running around the old family tree who've got the traits coming out of their ears, and the genes just hit me just right.

Why not?

I especially dislike the bits that say 'I was born like this to learn a lesson!' both from the autistic side and from the trans side. Look, that implies reincarnation, because what's the point of learning a lesson only this one time? And if I've been reincarnated, then this life, hard as it is? Fucking Club Med vacation between the ones where I starved to death at four or died from some easily treatable disease or choked to death on dirty water.

Not that I really believe in reincarnation.

Also, hi, I'm still alive.

Title from: Manic Street Preachers - The Masses Against the Classes

Been thinking little thoughts...

2007-02-25T18:33:00.000-05:00

Scrawled in my notebook while I was on the train the other night

I don't dislike the hand I was dealt, I'm not angry at it and I don't hate it. I just want my pretty little pair of fours here to be worth something, even if it means rewriting the rules of the game.

And if you think I just admitted to being dealt a bad hand with that 'pair of fours' thing, ask yourself this: who the fuck said we were playing poker, anyway?

Title from: Bloc Party - Little Thoughts

Yeah, I'll bet you wish

2007-02-18T16:35:00.000-05:00

Her Autistic Brothers from the New York Times.

There's a list of things that I sometimes wonder that I've never actually come out and asked the people in question. The main one is that every time I see these things, I wonder if my brother sometimes wished or wishes he had another sibling instead of me.

Not that I'm clear on that front. When he was on the way, I wanted a younger sister and, according to family legend, one of the first things I asked about him was if we could trade him for a girl.

But just in general, I've never asked if he wished he had a non-autistic sibling, or a completely straight/cisgendered sibling, or whatever.

Mostly because I'm pretty certain that, if I asked straight out and he was being honest in his response, his answer would be 'yes'. Not because we don't love each other, just because life was sometimes difficult. Or maybe because I'm constantly being told that that's what siblings of disabled and/or weird kids wish. Or maybe both.

Ryan Adams, Two Black Roses

As long as you're not dumb enough to actually try it....

2007-01-23T13:19:00.000-05:00

Surgical and chemical transition from female to male primarily involves three things. Mastectomy, hormonal doses and the amazingly non-specific term of 'bottom surgery' which can encompass anything from hysterectomy to phalloplasty. (Many FTMs don't choose phalloplasty for a number of reasons, mostly related to the current relative crudity of the operation and the hopes that it will become less...crappy.)

'Ashley's treatment', as far as I can tell, involves three things. 'Removal of breast buds' i.e. mastectomy, hormonal doses and hysterectomy.

Ashley has never asked for her treatment, but has any number of people willing to argue that her parents have the right to do it to her.

I have asked for mine, and met any number of people willing to argue that, due to my autism (though they qualify their statements. Oh, people are masters of qualification!) I can't possibly know enough to know that I want this.

There you go, then. Twisted consensuality. You can have done to you. You cannot do. We know better. We choose for you.

God forbid you get the idea you control your own body and destiny. Who knows where that leads?

The Clash - Know Your Rights

Anyone can play guitar...

2007-01-17T14:22:00.000-05:00

Years of bashing my head against the wall, I switch hands and turn the damn thing upsidedown, and do more progress in a year than in the previous 6.

I should probably go cross out that bit about not being musical.

Might start writing here again, too.

Title from: Radiohead - Anyone Can Play Guitar

They ask me where the hell I'm going?

2006-05-17T00:28:00.000-04:00

It seems like the majority of New England is currently flooded, and where I live is no exception.

I hate the rain. One of my major decompression activities is basically aimless wandering walking to some very specific spots, and not only is it a little difficult to do that when it's raining so hard that your glasses need windshield wipers, but also one of those major places is by the river.

And the river? Is flooded. Italics necessary. As in, it's usually about 10 metres down to the water from the riverbank walkway, and now there are actually puddles on the walkway where the river is breaking out and splashing up onto the brick walkways.

The entire area is surrounded by yellow police tape, like some massive crime scene. Half the places down there are closed, as well. And police officers to keep the crowds back, and gawking crowds to be kept back. And the rain keeps coming, on and off, an hour dry, an hour wet.

This is also the time of year when I'm between classes and any other period, there's not much for me to do. And there's even less when I can't leave the apartment, and when I can the river's not working with me, and everyone else seems to have discovered it, anyway.

Title from: The Tourist by Radiohead

So the story begins

2006-05-15T23:07:00.000-04:00

Ever read the first post on most blogs? It almost always seems to be some giant combination mission statement and introduction.

Far be it from me to buck a trend.

In no particular order.

I'm 23 years old.

I wear glasses.

I'm female-to-male transsexual.

I have blond hair and two hamsters.

I'm autistic, diagnosed at 19, though my parents will tell you I was 'Obviously something' from the day I was born.

With hope, this will serve as one part transition diary. In any case, it will also feed that massive ego that makes me believe that people want to know about my life, and it will also likely be the home of a lot of posts about that whole autism thing.

Oh yeah, and music. See, when they were over there handing out perserverences, some people got technology, or history. I got pop music, and I can't play an instrument or sing to save my life. But, god damn it, I can tell you the second word in the fourth line of the third song on Pearl Jam's fourth album.* I've also got a theory that there are a lot more autistics in music than are admitting it (Admitting it: Craig Nicholls, Gary Numan.)

Though that could go for any field.

And, that's about it for now.

Title from: Country House by Blur

*It's 'are'.